A Begonia for Miss Applebaum Read online

  BooksbyPulitzerPrizeWinner

  PAULZINDEL

  YOUNGADULTCLASSICNOVELS

  ThePigman

  ThePigman’sLegacy

  PardonMe,You’reSteppingonMyEyeball!

  ABegoniaforMissApplebaum

  TheUndertaker’sGoneBananas

  MyDarling,MyHamburger

  HarryandHortenseatHormoneHigh

  ThePigman&Me

  TheAmazingandDeath-DefyingDiaryofEugeneDingman

  INeverLovedYourMind

  ConfessionsofaTeenageBaboon

  DavidandDella

  TheGirlWhoWantedaBoy

  TheEffectofGammaRaysonMan-in-the-MoonMarigolds

  (WinnerofthePulitzerPrize)

  AStarfortheLatecomer(withBonnieZindel)

  ToTakeaDare(withCrescentDragonwagon)

  THEZONEUNKNOWN

  Loch

  TheDoomStone

  Raptor

  Rats

  ReefofDeath

  NightoftheBat

  OTHERTITLES

  TheGadget

  ABEGONIA

  FOR

  MISS

  APPLEBAUM

  PAULZINDEL

  TOANYKIDWHOREADSTHIS:

  Something terrible has happened. There are no lies in this book and nothing phony.Wearewritingitduringourcomputerclassathighschoolwhilemostof

  theotherkidsareplayingDonkeyKongandDemonAttack.Wehavetotellthe

  wholestorybecausewethoughtwhatweweredoingwasright.Well,maybeit

  wasn’t. Maybe we were very wrong. We still don’t know. Maybe you will

  understand, and be able to help us. Please don’t think we meant to hurt Miss Applebaum.Pleasedon’tthinkthatatall.

  Contents

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  6

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  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  SneakPeak

  AbouttheAuthor

  1

  Well,youmightaswellknowallabout me andthenyou’llunderstandhow Zelda and I got involved in what happened to Miss Applebaum. You

  probably never knew Miss Applebaum, but she was our 62-year-old biology

  teacher last year at Andrew Jackson High. Our nickname for Miss Applebaum was“TheShocker”becauseshelovedtosurpriseherclasses.Infact,theexact

  daywestartedtocallMissApplebaum“TheShocker”waswhenshebroughtin

  a Bloomingdale’s gift box and opened it to reveal a dead cat. The cat was a weird-looking one with white-tipped paws and a black body. It wasn’t that she hadjustscoopeditupoff59thStreetafterataxihadhitit,oranythinglikethat.

  Itwasalreadyembalmedandsealedinplastic.MissApplebaumsaiddissecting

  adeadcatwasn’therideaofagoodtime,butitwaspartoftheNewYorkCity

  BoardofEducationsyllabus.Shetoldussheputitinagiftboxsoallthekidsin the class would know this cat had given a present of its life in order for us to learn about cat anatomy. She also believed the cat deserved the dignity of a name. We voted to call it Louis. She didn’t allow smiling either when she demonstratedwhythetabbywasproperlycalledLouisandnotLouisa.Actually,

  there are thousands of things Zelda and I have to tell you about Miss Applebaum, but you’d better know a few things about us first or you won’t believewhathappened.FirstI’llwriteaboutme,andthenZeldacanwriteabout

  herself.

  My full name is Henry Maximilian Ledniz. My parents gave me that name

  when I was born because they must have been odd even then. All the kids at school call me Henry and it’s only when I come home to our apartment at 30

  Lincoln Plaza that my berserk mother and father call me Henry Maximilian.

  Zelda lives a block away at 40 Lincoln Plaza with her parents, who are very differentfrommine,thoughshe’lltellyouaboutthemwhenshefeelslikeit.The main thing I need you to know now is that I’m very good-looking like Luke Skywalker, but in an alien sort of way. I’m just being truthful. People tell me howhandsomeIam.Mymotherkeptmeinababycarriageforthreeextrayears

  so I could be rolled in and out of Zabar’s Delicatessen and the Nevada Meat Markettoreceivepraisefromothershoppers.Ofcourse,Idohaveafewflaws.

  Myfirstflawismyhair.Itismousebrownwithacowlickthatgrowsstraightup

  outofmyskullandneedsapoundofmoussetosubdueit.Myhairissothick thatwhenIgotoPepe’sHaircutSalon,whereallthekidsfrommyschoolgo,

  Pepehastouseathinningscissorslikeahedgetrimmer.Heclipssomuchhair

  offmyheadthatwhenitfallstothefloor,itlookslikeadecapitatedhead.My

  eyesalsopopoutalittleifyoulookclosely,andthere’satinyscartotherightof myupperlipfromwhenIwastenyearsoldandranthroughaglassdooratthe

  MagicWokCafeonColumbusAvenue.Ishouldletyouknowthatthemiddle-

  agedladywhoworksinSedutto’sicecreamparlorinthebottomofmybuilding

  alwaysflirtswithmewhenIgointhereforafixofcookies’n’cream.Shesays

  I’m going to be a real heartbreaker like Casanova when I grow up, but I’m fifteen already. Zelda, who is reading over my shoulder, just yelled at me for braggingaboutmylooks,butI’vegottobetruthful.Shesaysit’dbemuchbetter if I just told you things I did and then you’d know as much about me as you couldstand.

  SeventhingsIdidlastweekare:

  1) Iboughtacopyofthe StarGazette andread“WhyAlexthebeer-serving doghasbecomethesurprisingnewstarofTV’stop10commercials.”

  2) Iwatchedrerunsof JawsI,NightmareonElmStreetII,and Police

  AcademyIII.

  3) IwenttotheedgeofCentralParktowatchratssunbatheonarock.

  4) ItookZeldatotheCosmicSodaShoppeforafrozenhotchocolateanda macadamianutcookie.

  5) IhadadreamIwasflyinginsideabig,bright-redroomthathada bambootablewithacandleburningonit.Ithinkitwasasacrifice

  chamber.

  6) IgaveadollartoabumwhowasscreamingforGodandaskingifGod’s realnamewas“Buddy.”

  7) IorderedfreshflowersforMissApplebaum’sgrave.

  Zelda says I shouldn’t tell the following because it’s irrelevant, but I often leavemycallingcardinphonebooths.Ifyoueverseethefollowing,thenyou’ll

  knowHenryLednizwasthere:

  Zeldalooksverycrankynow,soI’vegottolethergetatthewordprocessor.

  2

  MynameisZeldaEinnobandI am crankyaboutalotofthethingsHenry wrote in the first chapter. There is simply no way I can make you

  understandwhathappenedtousconcerningMissApplebaum’sdeathunlessyou

  know more accurate things about us than Henry told you. He always thinks of thecraziestwaytodoanythingbecausehehasahardtimefacinguptoanything

  that remotely resembles true emotion. That is Henry’s main flaw, not his cowlick. Deep
down, he is one of the most compassionate, loving boys in the world,buthe’dbethelasttoshowyou.IhaveknownhimallmylifeandwhenI

  look back on our growing up together, I am filled with a great warmth and a strange,mysticalbeliefthatGodreallydoesexist.WithoutHenry,Idon’tthinkI could have survived all the frantic and nerve-wracking events that have

  happened.

  Henry is veryhandsome.Ashetoldyou,everyoneknowsthat,especiallyhim.

  For myself, I always wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor, Vivien Leigh, or Princess Di. I don’t. I am just normal-looking except for my black hair, which reachesdowntomyshoulderblades.ThereasonIgrewitthatlongwasbecause

  I used to be in the children’s chorus at the Metropolitan Opera, which is right acrossthestreetfrommyfamily’sapartment.I’mnotinthechorusnowbecause

  I grew too big for the children’s costumes, but the opera I loved being in the most was Puccini’s Turandot. The head diva in that opera wears a long black wig in the second act, after a stranger correctly answers three riddles she asks him.Thestoryof Turandot isthatifthisstrangerdoesn’tknowtheanswersto theriddles,hewillhavetofaceadistastefulfate.WhenIsawhowbeautifuland distinctivethedivalooked,IimmediatelystartedlettingmyhairgrowandIalso startedusingabitofEnglishLavenderpowder,crimsonMaxFactorlipstick,and

  Maybelline mascara. Henry doesn’t need anything like makeup, but I need all thehelpIcanget.IhavetakenalotofsinginganddancinglessonsandIintend to go into a theatrical profession or be a psychiatrist. For a few examples of things I have done that would help you know me better, I am referring to my teachers’ reports from last term because I feel they will present the most objectivepointofview.

  1) WHATMYENGLISHTEACHERMRS.LARNERSAIDABOUTME:

  “Zelda’sassignmentsforEnglisharealwaysapleasuretoreceiveand

  brimmingwithinsight.HerballadonMarilynMonroe’sexploitationwas

  aknockout.”

  2) LIBRARYSCIENCEWITHMR.WARWICK:“Zeldacouldrefertoa

  dictionarywithmoreregularity.”

  3) MATHWITHMISSGOLDBERG:“MissEinnobworkedwellwiththe

  conceptof3-digitdivisorsandsheperformedwellonhypotenuses.”

  4) FRENCHWITHMR.ALFIERI:“Sheeffectivelyperceivesthe

  differencesbetweenlivinganddeadlanguages.”

  5) HIGHSCHOOLCHORUSWITHMISSVROOMBA:“Zeldaisnow

  singingwithaverywiderange(almostthreeoctavesinwarm-ups),and

  islisteningtoothersandtryingtoblendbetterwithhersopranosection.

  Herhairmakesheraparticularlyimpressivesoloist.”

  6) ARTWITHMR.LAHR:“Zelda’scollageofaclaygirlsittinginan aluminumtreeworksbeautifully.”

  YoualsoneedtoknowafewwaysthatHenryandIareespeciallydifferent.

  Firstofall,Ihaveregular-sizeblueeyesandhehasgiantgreeneyeslikeahawk.

  Whenwewalkdownthestreet,IlookupatthebuildingsandtreetopsbecauseI

  lovehowbeautifultheyare,butHenrycheckstheguttersforlostmoney.Also,

  he doesn’t remember his dreams, but I remember mine and keep a record of theminajournal.Lastnight,IdreamedIwaswalkingdownBroadwayandsaw

  a mysterious girl with mushrooms growing out of her head. It was really very frightening.Iremembertryingtorunawayfromher,butshechasedme.When

  shegotclose,mushroomsstartedgrowingoutof my head. I started pulling the mushroomsoutofmyskull,butthefasterIdid,thefastertheygrew!Iwokeup

  screaming,andwhenItoldHenryaboutthedream,allhedidwasburp.Again,it

  was his way of avoiding emotion and not wanting to face up to anything connected to what happened to Miss Applebaum; I’m afraid that just won’t do anymore.

  ItallstartedlastSeptember9tharound8:30inthemorning.Thatwasthefirst

  dayafterthesummervacation.HenryandIwentinthe82ndStreetentranceof

  Andrew Jackson along with about two thousand other noisy kids who were

  tryingtogettheirprogramsandsayhellotofriendstheyhadn’tseenallsummer.

  HenryandIjustwentstraightuptothethird-floorsciencelaboratorybecausewe wanted to sign up immediately to be two of Miss Applebaum’s lab assistants

  again, which is what we had been during the year before. We practically explodedthroughthedoorcallingout,“Hi,MissApplebaum!”

  ButtherewasnoMissApplebaum.

  There was only a man we’d never seen before, in a white lab coat, and he lookedslightlynervous.

  “Miss Applebaum isn’t here,” he muttered, and continued setting up some

  kindofpulleysystem.“I’mherreplacement,”headded,“Mr.Greenfield.”

  “Isshegivingupthelab?”Henryasked.

  “No,”Mr.Greenfieldsaid,lookingusoversuspiciously.

  “Thenwhereisshe?”Iwantedtoknow.

  “MissApplebaum retired.”

  There was something about the tone of this Mr. Greenfield’s voice that was veryneurotic,andthewayhecouldn’tlookusintheeyemademefeelasifhe

  knewsomesortofsecret.Someterriblesecret.

  Ican’twriteanymoreatthismoment.I’msorry.

  3

  Zeldaiscrying.Shecriesveryeasilybecauseshe’stoosensitiveforherown

  good.Ihavetotellyouthosethingsaboutherbecauseshewon’t.She’stoo

  polite.Likewhenshetoldyouabouttheyoungstrangerintheopera.Shesaidif

  he didn’t know the answers to Turandot’s riddles, he would have to face “a distastefulfate.”Sheshouldhavejusttoldyouthattheywouldhavechoppedhis

  headoff.Infact,allthroughtheopera,mostofthestageisdecoratedwithyoung men’sheadsthathavebeenchoppedoffandstuckonbamboosticksforPeking

  massestobehold.

  Anyway,bothZeldaandIfeltverystrangewhenthisnewlabteachertoldus

  MissApplebaumhadretired.Weweren’texpectingitatall.Mostkidsmightnot

  feel whacked out about a teacher retiring, but Zelda and I think the loss of a devoted schoolteacher is an important event. We think a lot more of

  schoolteachers than they could ever imagine. We even like teachers we hate because we think of ways to drive them nuts. Teachers have always been powerfulforcesinZelda’slifeandmine.Whenwewereverylittleatelementary

  school, we thought teachers lived their whole lives inside of school buildings.

  Wethoughtthereweresecretstaircasesthatlowereddownatnight,andafterthe

  teachers got rid of the students for the day, they would go through mysterious passagestohiddencondounitsontheroofortopuptentsintheboilerroom.I

  rememberthetimeZeldaandIfirstsawateacheroutsideofschool.Itwasour

  principal, Miss McGillicuthey. She was walking down Fifth Avenue in the St.

  Patrick’s Day parade, and we thought she had illegally escaped the school building.

  But Miss Applebaum was the most special teacher we had ever met in our entiredecadeofacademicpursuits.Herlabperiodswereinthemorning,during

  which she was in charge of supplying all the equipment, chemicals, and

  parameciathateveryscienceteacherwouldneed.Shewastheonlyteacherwho

  had the experience and training for such a vast job. After her lab preparations, she
wouldteachonlytwoclasses.Fromthefirstday,ZeldaandIhadknownwe

  wantedtoworkwithMissApplebaumbeforeschoolandduringourfreeperiods

  in order to be around her and all the fascinating gizmos in the science lab. Of

  course,wealsoearnedextraservicecredits,butwewouldhavehelpedcleantest

  tubesandadjustBunsenburnersfornothing.ThereisnowayIcantellyouall

  theincrediblethingsMissApplebaumdidtoexciteZeldaandmeandallthekids

  inherclasses.Butthethingsshedidwhenitwasjusther,Zelda,andmeinthe

  labwerespectacular.Afewgeneralhighlightsare:

  a)MissApplebaumoncebroughtinoverseventycocoonsfromthepark

  andhungthembythreadsfromthewindows.Amonthlater,wecameto

  classandthereweresevenmillioninfantgrasshoppersleapingallover

  thedesksandcausingariot.

  b)Anothertime,MissApplebaumexplainedinscientificdetailhowdoctors

  forceatapewormoutofapatientbygivingmassivedosesoflaxatives

  andthensearchingthroughbucketsuntiltheyfindtheworm’shead.

  c)LastJanuary,sheletmedemonstratestaticelectricitybypermittingme

  tochargeupZeldaonaVandeGraaffgenerator.Agoodtimewashad

  byall,exceptZelda:

  See? That’s how provocative she was just in class, not to mention all the adventuresshegaveussearchingforamoebasandusingmicroscopestospyon

  flies’legsandhumancheekcells.

  Zeldahasstoppedcryingnowandwantsmetotellyouafewthingsaboutthe

  more artistic sides of Miss Applebaum. Well, I can’t lie. She was extremely creative,butsomeofthethingsshedidonlyexplainedwhyacertainfactionof

  the faculty and kids thought she was eccentric. Basically, she baked bohemian ceramicearringsinthelaboratoryincubatorduringhersparetimeandsoldthem

  to other teachers who wanted bargain birthday, Xmas, and Chanukah gifts.

  Secondly, you might as well know that Miss Applebaum sometimes wore a

  blackhomburghatondayswhenshewantedtofeel“special.”Also,itshouldbe